How to F*** Emo Chicks

Chris GarciaThere’s a part of the movie Magnolia where you get a glimpse at the method that Frank T.J. Mackey employs to ‘tame the cunt’ as it were. He goes over a brief outline of his plan and it makes a lot of sense. In that spirit, I present to you a complete guide to the techniques required for the screwing of chicks of the Emo lifestyle.


First, I should explain the term itself. Emo is a term that came out of the music world. It describes stuff like Dashboard Confessional. It started as a way to describe DC bands and was actually shorthand for Emotional Hardcore. Weird, huh? Out of the music came the Emo lifestyle. While similar to what we in the 1990s would have called Goth, there are distinct differences. There’s a lot less black as an example, and a lot more indy band t-shirts. There’s the famous Emo cut (long bangs swept over one eye while short in the back (a couple of members of 1980s SuperGroup Spandau Ballet had the same cut) and that’s became a popular cut for both guys and girls. You could always go and look up Hope is Emo (from Christa Flanagan and the folks at Ask A Ninja) though she is really more of a Goth girl than an Emo Chick.

There’s a very easy test for Emo girl status. If she’s wearing heavy, black-rimmed glasses and a thermal shirt until a Panic! At The Disco Tee, she’s Emo 100%, no question. Once you have identified her, then you must work your magic.

To start with, one can not truly approach an Emo girl unless he is Emo himself. There’s a series of coda and spectrums that must be adhered to, but mostly one must remember that Emo is, at heart, emotional, and it can be a volatile and fragile existence. The easiest way to make first contact is to get onto one of the more popular Emo music web groups. Once you’ve discovered one that’s to your liking, come up with some great signature for the bottom of your profile. Something like ‘From the Heart of Pain’ or ‘standing naked in the wind’ or a reference to any song by an Emo group with one word changed, perhaps to your name. A slight bit of comedy to remind her that there is pain even in laughter is a good idea. Once you’ve discovered the girl who says the right thing, you go in and send her an email.

That first email is tough, but you can get through it. Use lots of …s. They tend to give a sense of hopelessness to everything they follow. It’s that sense of useless continuation that provides a good backbone on which to hang your story. In that first mail, by hinting and making little references to a troubled past, you’ll slowly start to reel her in. The response she sends you will help determine your next move. If she’s enthusiastic, pull out now! She’s not really Emo! If she seems to fluctuate between being very psyched and wholly devastated, you’ve got a bi-polar Emo chick. They’re the most fun, but you got hang-on tight to make sure she doesn’t throw ya on the trip! Try and play it safe, don’t give too much away while trying to show her that you’ve got depth behind the safe haircut and Chuck Taylor Converse. After a few weeks of exchanging emails, you’ll try and make a meet.

Cancel at least once.

If she thinks that the relationship is doomed by fate, she’ll only claw harder and harder to prove fate wrong. It’s the natural order of things. After the first and perhaps the second cancellation, finally agree to meet. Make sure it’s not for a concert. A show would be a natural match for Emo Chick and supposedly Emo guy, but unless you’ve studied the intricate machinations of shoe-gazing, you’ll probably set yourself back a step or two. Take her to coffee, or even better, to museum with a coffee garden. Surrounded by art made by people with obvious pain is a great way to play on the sorrow of the world.

That date must end early. Claim you have to go to work at the Record Store or that you’ve gotta produce a local college radio show. Leave her alone and wanting. It’s the only way.

Two more dates should go that way, then invite her over to listen to the new Morrissey CD or that new Dresden Dolls DVD (OK, The Dolls are not Emo, but trust me, Emo Chicks LOVE the Dresden Dolls). They’ll arrive, you’ll enjoy it together and, if you add a little booze, perhaps some take-out Italian, and you’ll easily score at least an upstairs-underneath.

You can do that a couple of more times, but you must not use the big guns: Elliott Smith. You should save watching The Royal Tennenbaums or listening to any of the albums from this Rey de Emo until you’re sure you can settle the hash and make your stand as the King of Fuck Mountain. Once you’ve got the Smith in the player, make your subtle move, show your obvious pain, and then somehow end up with your hand on her inner thigh.

And that’s that! You’ll be nailing Emo chicks in those few simple steps. Yes, it takes a little time, but with proper scheduling and the ability to remember different names assigned to different women, you’ll be able to make it happen with anywhere from 4 to 7 of them at once.

And when you break their heart, well, they’ll just get more Emo!

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